★★★★★ (Five Machetes Out of Five)
I waited over forty years for Hollywood to stop pretending it had dignity and finally give us Friday the 13th - Part 13. The good news? It happened. The better news? It somehow made less sense than Jason Takes Manhattan, which should have been mathematically impossible.
The film opens exactly the way every Friday the 13th movie should: a group of teenagers ignoring a giant sign that says "ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GO TO CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE. SERIOUSLY. WE'VE LOST COUNT."
Naturally, they go anyway.
Jason Voorhees is back, looking healthier than ever despite technically having died approximately 97 times over the course of the franchise. His new hockey mask has been patched together so many times it now resembles an archaeological dig, and somehow he's even more unstoppable than before.
The kills?
Absolutely ridiculous.
One unlucky camper is launched through three cabins with a canoe paddle. Another is somehow folded into a sleeping bag... while standing up. At one point Jason weaponizes an entire picnic table. Physics officially resigns from the movie around the twenty-minute mark.
The surprise MVP is Sheriff Tommy Jarvis Jr. III (yes, really), who spends the entire movie explaining the convoluted continuity using a whiteboard covered in red string before finally admitting:
"Honestly... none of this is canon anymore."
It's the most honest line in franchise history.
The movie also answers questions nobody asked.
- Why does Jason always walk?
- Where does he keep getting clean clothes?
- Does Crystal Lake have municipal funding?
- Who keeps rebuilding these cabins?
The answer to every question is apparently, "Don't worry about it."
The third act goes completely off the rails.
Jason fights a survival influencer livestreaming from the woods.
A drone gets decapitated.
Someone attempts to defeat Jason using mindfulness.
It goes exactly as well as you'd expect.
Then comes the ending.
Without spoiling too much, let's just say the filmmakers looked at every previous sequel ending and said:
"What if we did ALL of them?"
Is it absurd?
Absolutely.
Is it scary?
Occasionally.
Is it the dumbest movie in the franchise?
That is a fiercely competitive category, but Part 13 earns a spot on the podium.
Final Verdict
Friday the 13th - Part 13 is the cinematic equivalent of finding an old hockey mask in your attic and deciding that's probably not important.
It doesn't reinvent Jason.
It doesn't explain Jason.
It barely acknowledges the previous twelve movies.
Instead, it delivers exactly what horror fans secretly wanted: ninety-five minutes of creative mayhem, terrible decision-making, suspiciously expendable teenagers, and a man who can apparently teleport whenever the camera isn't looking.
If you've ever shouted "Just don't go into the woods!" at your television, this movie is for you.
If you've never seen a Friday the 13th movie before... this is somehow still as good a place to start as any.
Overall Rating: 13/13 Crystal Lakes.
Jason lives.
Again.
Probably.
